Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Frustrating

recieved a phone call from colleague. hani siapa kerja malam ni, and i asked her why? And she said, If i've got angioedema i have to go to ed is it?

-.-'

i asked her where she is now and rushed brought her to hospital. too worried and anxious so i dont think that im the best personal to treat her though both of us are medical officer. few hours at ed till she fully recovered and later brought her back home.

Thing makes me ponder, if something like that happened to me, who i can count into? Text few of our close ?friends about my colleague just now, i know they're oncall, but arent you guys worried? Because i am worry like hell! Their reply not as i expected, and how disappointed i will be if someone that I thought we're close not even there at the time i need them the most.

Sigh

It sucks. Really. Know that actually you have nobody that you can rely into. I mean here, at strange place, you're alone on your own, away from your family and beloved one.

Sidenotes.
Recently, I let my guard down for a brief time and let new people into my life and stepped into my bubble. I let myself fall in love and trust others. Worse decision ever, with wrong person.
It is hurt, really.
I think that is the reason why i am selective and defensive. Who else gonna protect our heart if not ourselves.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Im alone in this battle

https://youtu.be/GlZxZ2n2zpw

Friday, November 6, 2015

M&m not Chocolate

Second d*ngue m&m (mortality and morbidity) within a month. It getting worse day by day. The strain more difficult to treat. Both cases 14-15 years old girl. sigh. Too young to die, and because of infectious disease summore, which is preventable. They're not supposed to die.

I wasnt involved directly in both cases but some things make me ponder.
The second girl, she just passed away last week. 14yo post delivery 6 months, coming alone to ed because of fever. Initially was treated as throat infection and discharge well after hydration that night, and to repeat again blood coming morning as borderline suspicious of d*ngue. The next day when she's coming, the platelet drop massively to double digit. Then when my colleague ask, where is your family members? Do you hv your parent's phone number that we can call? she said, I dont remember. She's admitted to resus, intubated in ward and later passed away in icu few days after admission.

Was she thrown away by her family? Does her baby has a father? Does the family/parents know now that their daughter has passed away? What happened to the baby? How her life before actually. Come alone to hospital, and eventually die. Shes too young. Poor girl. :(

You will never forget the pt passed away on ur hand, and under ur care. I still remember mine, my very 1st case. Not yet a mo. But in my 1st week in final posting as a houseman in ed. 27yo young man mva. cause of death: pulmonary hemorrhage. He passed away 2days later in icu. The moment started from pass over by my colleague uptriage from yellow zone as they noticed the unequel chest expansion. I still remember his name, his face, his expression, when i examined him, treat him. And recently, accidently come across his social media account page. You know the feeling.. Its like the lightning strike over your chest. Speechless and im almost cry. Cant help myself not to think.. what if?

I did my best to save the patients life, and yet, still, things happened. Death happened.

Oh i hate myself when too emotionally involved.

:|

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Missing home.

We have totally different personality, character, point of view and have sort of weird kind of relationship and chemistry that somehow, somewhat, it clicked.

You have no idea how much it hurt me more!