Saturday, October 31, 2015

Rainbow after the rain in my heart

Last few weeks, i got a pt. Shock in front of me and i failed to detect it earlier. Young pt, no co morbid complain only 2days hx of fever and urti, coming with tacypneic. Bp normal, slight tachycardic. Chest equal ae, crepts at left mz. Dxt normal. Ecg sr. But i noticed the pt is not in a good condition, so i upgrade to resus for close monitoring after given antibiotic and hydration as wbc slightly raised, no drop in plt or hb. 2 of 4 sirs so i treated as sepsis 2ry pneumonia. Pt gcs full. At that time, no other result come back yet. Later in resus, abg shows severe compensated metabolic acidosis with single digit NaHO3, and aki features. After 20cc/kg/h hydration, ivc distended and urine only in tubing. Somethings wrong. i called my boss. Ask wether to intubate pt or not as no other senior colleague on the floor. Because honestly, i dont know what else to do.

The answer i got; hani case macam ni pun tak boleh manage ke? You cannot ask to intubate or not via the phone.

ok mayb i should not. Then, tell me and guide me what to do. You know what i feel at that moment? And the worse part, he came and saw the pt as he was at hosp that time, and he called up everyone to resus and told me in front of everyone; even houseman can do better than you hani.

Can you imagine how i feel. After all, the management he did only give more hydration and escalate the antibiotic. So what in term of management i did  wrong? is there any negligent? Or did i do any harm to the pt? If i dont care and concern about pt, i dont even want to call him to ask what to do.

Later pt expired in ward after 6hours of admission. That made me even feel more bad of myself.

went home and cried all night. That is one of the day that you just want to quit to be a doctor.

Life is sucks.


i missed my ep back in edhkl even more. I know im new, still a lot to learn and improve myself. But discouraging and underestimate ur staff and humiliating  wont help to provide a good environment.

and more and more discouraging words from him afterward almost everyday.

now i dont know if i hv interest in ed anymore. Very stressfull working environment now.

I cried to my friend over the phone who're willing to listen. Desperately need a hug and a shoulder to cry and a comfort. Im fragile and clingy like that. I wish im in kl now. And she said to me, dont be sad, insyAllah something good will always happen after this.

And indeed, she's true. The next day i went out for breakfast with my colleagues to find a comfort. But then accidently bumped into my other specialist, and awkwarly i invite him to join us. we had breakfast together for 3hours of inspiring words and talk about life somehow put my foot back on the ground. Thts really what i need at the moment.

Last few weeks, i got a text from old friend who are concern. She's reading my blog, and she said it quite depressing. Haha!. Somehow you glad to know that you have someone who still have faith in you, and remind you back who you really are with so much courage and uplifting words, and you know you're not alone in this world.

I met my hkl specialist in one of the ngo event last few years. But actually i never work with her before in hospital. And somehow we become close after that. I think its a quite an awkward conversation to discuss with ur boss but, what not? She's been in this field longer than i am, and truly speaking from brain and experiences.

You're glad when you meet all these people.You feel like you're all alone in this world, that the whole world is against you (exaggerated) and you feel so hopeless. And Allah send these people to you to remind you, that you're not all alone, and to still have faith in Him.

You never know how a simple word or a simple gesture or a simple act of kindness can motivate and inspire those around you.

These people, i dont meet them by accident, they're meant to cross our path for a reason. 

And i wonder what did i do to deserve them in my life :'(

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